Life Sketches by Terry Berkson
Can't Bill No Dead Man
I have a tremendous resistance to change. I guess that’s why, in my 50s, I had the same bicycle for 43 years, the same power lawn mower for 40 years and the same old Chevy convertible for more than 30 years. Alice, my wife of 27 years at that time, must have felt pretty secure knowing my propensity for maintaining the status quo. But she had been after me to update some of my affairs, in case I kicked off, I suppose, such as our real estate tax bill which still read: “to The Estate of Charles Berkson,” my grandfather. I’d been paying the bill since 1976, when my father passed away. I guess I took after him, because he, too, never changed the account to his name when his parents died. The water bill was made out to Fanny Berkson, my grandmother, and the gas and electric bills were in the name of my dead Uncle Sam, who used to take care of the paperwork for her. I liked the idea of keeping deceased family members names alive by having them remain on the bills. Seeing a name in action was better than a trip to the cemetery. In that way, one might say I was maintaining a living family history.
So, when Alice changed our long distance telephone carrier for a better rate and then, at my strong insistence, tried to switch back, she inadvertently opened a can of bureaucrats. The phone had been still listed under Louis Berkson, my father. When Mr. Fusco, from the telephone company, said, “I’ll need a confirmation from Louis,” Alice told him that Louis Berkson was deceased since 1976. “My husband, his son Terry, has been paying the bill since then,” she said.
“1976! We’ll have to do a credit check on Terry and switch the phone to his name.”
“I don’t think my husband will do that.”
“He has to,” Fusco said. “We can’t bill no dead man!”
“Is it okay if I get back to you on this?” Alice asked.
“Please do. It’s not right. We gotta get this thing straightened out!”
When I arrived home, Alice told me about the situation. I immediately called Fusco and told him that I would like the phone to remain under my father’s name. I didn’t tell him about my living family history idea, but I did say that it was for sentimental reasons that I wanted to keep Louis Berkson on the bill.
“It’s against regulations,” Fusco said. “If you want to have a phone, you’ll have to switch it to your name.”
